Monday, February 19, 2007

Top Ten Signs of Getting Old

10. Grey hair.
This has been going on for some time now.

9. Clothes are for comfort, not looks.
I can't even think of a reason not to wear this old ratty t-shirt with my pajama bottoms to the grocery store.

8. You begin to realize that you're old.
You pass a pretty girl, and think, "She's cute." You wonder if she's thinking, "He's old." Then your wife brings you back to reality with, "You're not even on her radar."

7. You can't eat what you used to.
I love dairy. I used to live for dairy. I could drink a 1/2 gallon of milk, or polish one of those giant blocks of cheese in one sitting. Now I have to pour soy milk on my Crispix. As one of my older family members is wont to yell out in restaurants: "Can't have cheese!!"

6. You can't do what you used to.
I used to could stay up all night (you can tell I live in the south now). Now I'm starting to nod off about 9 pm.

5. You start to think about life.
Starting to realize that this life is the means, not the end.

4. The world around you starts to fade away.
I can begin to see it now. I'm in the car or in a store, focused on what I'm doing, nigh-oblivious to what's going on around me. I hope I can reverse the process before I'm like the guy in Toys R Us this past Saturday who waited until he was at the cash register with a line behind him to have a conversation with his grandson about whether or not he really wanted the DVD he was buying.

3. You have strange and unexplained aches and pains.
I can't get out of bed or stand up out of a chair without limping around.

2. You open your mouth and your parents' voice comes out.
Don't make me come in there! I don't care who started it! Settle down! Go ask mommy...

And the number one Sign of Getting Old:

1. Someone mistakes you for a grandparent.
I'm in Martin's in Florence, AL not long ago with my daughter on my shoulders. This worker - who was probably in her 60's; not some kid half my age as I'd expect - says, "She's cute. Your granddaughter?" Wonderful. My daughter's 4 going on 14; I'm 35 going on 53.

Quote of the Day
Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?
-Jim Morrison

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